Lux continued to have outbursts. We tried giving him the meds, a combination of anti-depressant and an anticonvulsant/ analgesic, but it was difficult. We didn’t want to rile him by stuffing them down his throat, and he refused to take them in food. He was eating only sparsely.
Another strange thing about Lux’s outbursts was that they lingered: even after he calmed down, he would still be aloof, unresponsive, almost as if he were in a different world. It was a sad, scary world; I could see it in his eyes.
And I was still in hell, though I walked and talked like a normal person when I was required to. Still went to work, but kept to myself. I stuttered, forgot common words. People who knew me, knew something was wrong, but how could I tell them I was crazy? How could I tell them I no longer wanted to work with cats?
My life was so built around my care of cats, and now that was over. I’d see a kitty on the street and joke, “Careful, that thing is dangerous,” or “Look out, it might attack!” Funny? No, heartbreaking. I was afraid, and what was worse, I had no idea if I’d ever get over it. On May 10th, I wrote:
“This incident has changed the way I look at cats.”
Between my fear and the inability to feed Lux his meds, it was decided he would go into boarding where he could be watched and cared for by professionals. It was a nice place where everybody knew and loved him, and I had no doubt it was for the best. I would have breathed a sigh of relief if I hadn’t been so ashamed of myself. Stripped of my cat-persona, who was I?
I visited Lux on Saturdays. We met in a room where Lux – Mr Lucky on the records because he was still a high-profile cat – would prowl and sniff. I’m not sure he cared that I was there. I believe he did, but my emotions were confusing and probably confused him even more.
Luxie had been set up for an MRI of his brain and spine, and Jackson would be flying up to Portland for the procedure. Everyone hoped it would show something, then hoped it wouldn’t. What would we do if he had a tumor? Animal Planet had been more than generous so far, but would they spring for surgery?
……………..A bridge to be crossed if we got that far……………